Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
you had me at cake vodka
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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