Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
