I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
