She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
