just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
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