he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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