im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
as a side note pls kill me
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
