Sry I called you an 8
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize