I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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