i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
