Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
PANTIES FOUND
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