Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
