My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
