im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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