guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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