I cockslap morals
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
