You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
