Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
