then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
