I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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