Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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