i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
