I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
