Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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