we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
