My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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