I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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