Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My dick has a subreddit
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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