You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
