i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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