Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
