she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
