even my farts smell like vagina
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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