Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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