..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize