I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
