don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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