How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
