I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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