dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
