I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
