Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
