I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize