we're chasing vodka with high fives
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
