i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
