Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I puked a lego.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
