My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize