I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize