Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
