This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
