Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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