My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
