Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
