I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
