i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My vagina is officially offended.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
