What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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