I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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