I think my vagina is haunted
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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