bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
