I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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