How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i drank out of a bidet.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
