the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
