two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
